Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Chrimbo, Ho Ho Ho!

Ahh, so at last, Pauline Fowler has passed on and how sweet, full of redemption and regret but oh no, it's just that little bit to late, gosh darn it!
Last night was a night filled with perfecting the Christmas presents I was giving, making some last minute pieces of jewellery for some of my friends and watching bad films relating to Christmas. The worse being: Whoppi Goldberg's "Call Me Claus", in which she discovers that she is in fact, the next Father Christmas, it nearly made me loose the will to live but fortunately, I've watched some crap in the past, so that saved me. The best being the ultimate Christmas film - "Santa Claus: The Movie", although watching "Uncle Buck" (not a Christmas film but on at Christmas) was a thoroughly enjoyable hour and a half spent.
At half ten, I popped to a place called The Zodiac, not sure if any of you Oxfordian's know of it but it's a fantastic little dive, which is close to my heart and means a lot to me. I spend most of the evening in the DJ booth with the delectable Miss Nelly B Page and Mr Tommy Kneecaps. I also came out of the ladies downstairs and slipped arse over tits, the first and hopefully last time ever, 'twas quite funny. Photos to follow of the evening on my myspace blog.
Christmas was spent with the family, feeling hungover and tired, making adult conversation and opening presents. Joy!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

He deserved a slap!

My day today started quite well. I had a good nights sleep and didn't have any weird dreams, for once. I was rather alert and awake as my alarms sounded too, which for me is a feat.
Up and dressed I got and so I started my day. The Cowley Road was rather empty as I tootled up it, which was nice and then to The Royal Mail Sorting Office I went. I was running a little late for work, so I needed to fly in and out to collect my parcel and then carrying on to work, work, work!
I arrive, no parking bays free, typical I mutter. So as I'm intending to fly in and out, I park on the double yellows, I'm only in the way of one form of the public and that's the pedestrians and it's a industrial estate, so that's not much of a worry. So out of my car I get, to be informed by a nice lady (whose in the sorting office) that the clampers have discovered a lovely little black spot with this said area and the crapness of the 8 bays they offer to visitors and customers of this said building, so are pretty much on the case and hover and strike the unsuspecting people (obviously if your a clamper, it's far easier to sit on black spot, instead of clamping the real pain in the arse parkers). She says that she'll be departing very shortly in her red MGF, so I get back in my car, turn around and hover, for her to move...5 minutes, two more customers and the watching of one stupid woman in an MPV who can't mount the pavement, as she may upset her son in the back of the car later, not as quick as she implied, she departs. I pull in, better than she had, so that the stupid woman in her MPV can pull in next to me, does she? like fuck!!! I really shouldn't have bothered my little head about it!
Once inside, I ring the bell, one minute later a post guy (not a postman, just a postal worker) smiles, takes my card and buggers off. A minute later, another man pops in to the window, to collect the stupid woman in the MPV's card, while her son constant need to pull faces, makes me want the wind to change drastically, that'll teach the little shit!
While waiting for the post guy whose dealing with my parcel to return from the depths of Oxford's sorting office, I notice and read the sign saying that the Royal Mail's workers are respectful and polite, so could we please be so to them in return. I start thinking about why you would want to abuse one of these people, they have your parcel, you give them the card, they give you your parcel..occasionally you exchange it for money but it's not their fault, it's the head honcho's fault for increasing the prices or the person who sent you the parcel's fault for not paying enough...it's crazy to think someone would want to insult one of the post guys!
Finally the smiley man returns laughing. I enquire to why he's laughing and he says the following, while pointing at my parcel "Mole, I know, I know" (To which I'm expecting him to say, "I know I shouldn't be laughing at your surname but I'm a prick and have no respect for anyone, my days are spent sitting in this little office with him, and he has a flatulence issue that can make the atmosphere polluted and the job ever so hard, so I'm trying to find certain issues funny, to lighten my day, please please please except my deepest apologies at being so rude, I'm ever so sorry. And please have a pleasant Christmas". But does he? Fuck off does he, instead he completes the sentence with the following.) "it's funny isn't it, Mole! ha ha ha".
At which point I look at him in dismay, he chuckles some more expecting me to chuckle with him and probably say something to the effect of "I know, stupid name, it makes me laugh everyday, I'm so lucky, much better than being a boring old Smith or Jones, ha ha ha, I really am lucky to have such a hilarious name". But no instead, I look at him and then the respectful sign with the implication that the Royal Mail staff are ever so respectful and feel like giving him torrents of verbal abuse starting with the saying "How very dare you?! You ignorant cretin! blah blah blah", but I don't, as I'm respectful...I give him a dishearten look and depart.
Fucking Prick!!! What a fucking nerve, how fucking dare he...ignorant little twat...what the fuck did I ever do to him and at which point did I ever ask him to comment on my surname or ask his opinion, I don't think I fucking well did. I know he must have a pretty shitty job at times but don't we all?! So at which point did he think he had the right to criticise my name! I've lived with the surname Mole all of my life and I actually have grown to like it, after years of ridicule and names being chucked in my direction, it's quite hard to find a name that I haven't been called and if it's a drunken ignorant prick at a party, who I have just met or only know through a friend, I laugh with them and chuckle away, as I know I'm better than them (in many ways but mainly through respect and decorum), but as for the people who are supposed to be supplying me with a service, paid for by the public...it's outrageous!
Needless to say, I was late for work!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

So It's all about ...

I had a dream last night that I was the "Ghost Whisperer', it's was awesome, I was walking around talking to all these dead people and catching up on the gossip...shit thing was, that one of the people was my mum and hell no, there is no way that is happening for a while, I'm so not ready to say goodbye to either of my delectable parents! Other than that though, it was quite cool...although waking up crying, as I was upset due to my ma's passing, wasn't overly great but it's not the first time I've had that dream and it won't be the last.

I'm all about steak at the moment, I can't get enough dead cow, it's quite worrying, it can come with anything and everything, I've eaten out twice in the last 2 days and have had steak both times, both medium rare, both with different sauces. both yummy and I'm hoping that I won't need a third one, other wise I may fret.

I'm sleeping so heavily that it's making me exhausted, which is a bizarre experience.

My brow won't desist this constant need to tense, so I'm always fixed in a frown, which is an odd thing to do...I'm now developing wrinkles between my eyebrows and suffering from constant tension headaches. I've even found that turning the brightness down on my work computer and laptop doesn't help much, I think I'm doomed to have watchers brow (the observers equivilent for smoking drag lines) for the rest of my life!

Oh well back to the incessant requirement to be at work, without any work to do.

Talking of work, the other day we were sent the following book for one of the people we represent:

Originally, we thought 'wow, what a lovely gesture. I'm sure he and his children will love it', thinking an atlas, great and animals, even better. There is nothing more that a young boy would want. Although on a closer look, we realised that it was a Creantionist's book of their supposed "proof" that evolution never happened and that the almighty placed everything on this planet, with a greater plan.
Now, I'm a fan of random religions and The Evangelical Church of Creation, is one of my more favourites, in my eyes they are up there with the Mormon, who are brilliant...the reason they are one of the largest religions is because they convert the dead (fantastic idea, bless them) and the fact that they compared the South Park Mormons episode, to what the Mormons' are taught and they admitted that it's near enough the same. Crazy and they aren't even concerned with how ludricrious it looks but then again, why should they be, as they've got faith and that's all they need.
One of my other favourite religions is Scientology, it's based on a science fiction book...pure genius! Although I probably shouldn't laugh, as all of the other religions are based on books...lol.
If anyone ever fancies a flick through this book, just let me know...their excuses for how you can make a fossil within a day, is impressive! If you'd like to learn more about them Click Here. i know for a fact that I'd opt to go there, instead of Disney World, why go to see fairy tales in progress and Mickey Mouse, when you can learn and find out about an alternative view, a view that comes from 300 years ago, way before Darwin and his crazy ideals.

Toddle Pip.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I want one scrap that, I need one!

I've been wanting a Chrimbo jumper since I was small, after spending many hours watching bad American TV.
So this year I set about, finding one. I'd like one ultimately in red or green with some hideous tesselations of Reindeers, Christmas Trees or Father Christmas', just something gross!
So when I stumbled across this one, I fell in love but for something that's a joke, I couldn't justify spending £60 plus.
So for now, I'll dream a little dream of this jumper.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My addiction...

So, I've known for some time that I enjoy bad TV and it was my way to escape reality and to relax. It's also why I read crap books and enjoy crap magazines.
I'm not an overtly deep thinker but certain issues weigh heavy on my mind and I spend a lot of time thinking about people, situations, etc. I'm also quick witted and what I would call a social intellect.

So when I recently started to analyse how much crap TV I watched, I was pretty scared for myself and my friends.

There are two categories of TV -

TV shows I like, know are rubbish but will stand up for my right to watch them:

America’s Next Top Model - My addiction to this programme has gotten so bad that all of my housemates are now hooked on America's Next Top Model...most of us love Joanie and hate Jade. Roll around Monday night and everything goes on hold for an hour, from 9-10pm.
Ugly Betty - This is truly awful, so horrendous, but I adore it, so so much! She's great and Daniel Meade is just for show. Wilhelmina and her friend in the cosmetic surgery are just entertaining and as for Jim Daniels being American once again, crazy!
The Ghost Whisperer - What is it with her telling everyone her real name and then telling them all her secret, she's going to pass everyone over and everyone's going to know her secret...she fell out with a friend at uni because of this very matter and she runs around shouting her mouth off. She's constantly talking to herself and everyone excepts it and the ghosts all have shadows? Her colleague/business partner except her never working in the store or immediate departures in the middle of the day and how many antiques can you sell in one small town, to justify running such a large store?! As for the shittest titles I've ever seen in the world...well I just love it, all of it! Except for the fact that it makes me cry like a baby, I'm so pathetic!.
The OC - It's The OC, lucid story lines, bad acting, everyone forgives everyone, just because. They always look incredible. Huge houses and constant rich, bored kids. What more could you want?!
Ed - He's great, one of my favourite episodes was when they locked Ed and Carol in the bowling alley, until they admitted that they still loved each other. It's great. It's set in a small town, around a bowling alley, and a great group of friends.
Most Haunted - The old ones with Derek were better, now it's shit!
8 Simple Rules - I haven't seen the episodes after the dad has died but it's crap and the girl from Charmed is mega skinny (it makes me want to puke, which is probably what she does after every meal). Also, the youngest daughter is actually 8 years senior of the skinny blonde one. The more entertaining of the whole affair is that the mum from 'Married With Children" is in it, yeah!
Everybody loves Raymond - It annoys a lot of people but I love it, so much, sorry but the dumb/not dumb brother. The over bearing mother and Peter Boyle, he's great, from such classics as: Santa Clause 1-3, Doctor Doolittle, While You Were Sleeping, Malcolm X, Where The Buffalo Roam & Taxi Driver.
Judging Amy - Typical drama of being a working mum, with mother whose the world and it's all about doing the right thing and making the best decisions for everyone. It's a classic!
Providence - Similar to Judging Amy but a little more intricate, with her dead mother's ghost, who pops in. An idiot brother. A highly strung single sister with daughter and an ever loving father, whose a vet.

TV Shows I like, know are rubbish and try not to admit to people I like them, as I'm ashamed:

Derek Accorah's Ghost Towns - Like Most Haunted, without Yvette Fielding screaming.
Charmed - It's crap, total and utter crap. To many storylines and it all hangs in the balance of which or how the actors are feeling. Shannon Doherty decides to pull out and they kill her off and bring in Rose McGowan, a long lost sister. As for the fact that they never know where the kids are, irresponsible parenting. And the most stupid "let's kill ourselves off, so we can live a normal life, opps! it didn't work, oh well, let's carry on regardless". Crazy but it does have the ability to fill my time and it's normally quite entertaining.
Britain's Next Top Model - Lisa Snowdon trying to be Tyra Banks, It's painful, as for the stupid cows...English girls really are bitchy!.
Australia's Next Top Model - As bad as the British ones, minus the Tyra Banks wannabe Lisa Snowdon.
Kings of Queens - Awful, but it has the fantastic Kevin James in, he's so loveable and with Jerry Stiller for good measure. True Brilliance!
Hope and Faith - How awful is this?! The two sisters are crap, the storylines are dreadful. The oldest daughter, is old enough to be a sister. It's pure bollocks and I love to hate to love it!

Yep, I'm sick, sick in the head...but I love it, oh so much and surprisingly most of my friends except it and even join me in the watching of these crap TV shows.

Please refrain from pointing and laughing at me in the future, as I've fronted up and admitted that I'm ill. Plus if anyone fancies ever joining me in the crap TV watching, then they are more than welcome anytime!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I found a grey what at 24?

I've known for some time that I had the occasional grey hair in my bonnet but jesus...I realised a few days ago, why I've been dying my hair since I was 13, it's because I knew that soon enough, I'd be sporting the aging look.
If it was in the perfect style of Cruella Deville or Caryn Franklin, then I'd happily keep it and go for gold in the delicate art of aging gracefully but at 24? I do think not!
And I am so fed up of my blonde friends laughing at the idea of having grey/white hair at 24, jesus girls, half of your bonnets have been white/grey for some time, making up a good percentage of your multi-tonal crowning glory.
I personally like discussing this matter with my like headed friends and also those whom believe that they natural colour is something totally different to what it actually is, as they haven't truly seen it in ages, yonks, donkey's years, centuries, need I go on? I don't think so.
As for the pulling one out and 5 growing back, it's bastardly true...although I think that grey hair is more like mould, once you get one and notice it, it's spreads and grows at double the rate it did.
So here's to praying that all of my grey hairs start discussing the matter of growing in a collective and give me a graceful streak.
The only buggering thing about it, is that my regrowth under the dye, looks horrendous and I can't get away with being lazy and avoiding the matter of redying...so here's to being more on the ball and denying the art of growing old gracefully, well for at least another 10 years.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Snotty McSnotter

Illness and missing being healthy!

I had a period about a year a go, where I was ill constantly, mainly due to "Burning the candle at both ends" as the oldens' would say, but that has been put behind me, since I quit working at the nightclub, sleeping more, relaxing and I mean proper relaxing, and just general well being, such as taking vitamin tablets and acupuncture, as well as becoming the ambassador of Peppers and other mediterrean vegetables, they'll come with every meal and will be served in various ways...ahh, they are so joyous and yummy!
But for some reason, when I do get a cold or other illness, they takes forever to arrive and forever to leave, properly.
Take this thing, I've recently contracted, well I actually contracted it about 2 weeks ago but will it arrive or go, hell no...I'm almost in the believe that it's been 3 different cold/flu/illnesses in one...On the morning of Tuesday 31st October, I had a tickle in my throat and a slght clogging at the back of my nose, I'm guessing my sinus...well anyway. I had a rest and a sleep, later that night I celebrated Halloween in sober stylee, due to feeling a little pants and having work the next day.
For the following few days the symptoms would appear worse in the morning but clear up during the day.
After a week of this crap, it turned in to a dry throat and hacking cough, with intermitant headaches. I chose to take the Monday off work, in the thinking that if I took a day off, when I felt crappy, I could stop it before it took hold, so I rested up and slept...but low and behold by the end of that week, it turned in to a blocked nose and general grogginess and now I have this full on cold, with running eyes, tension headaches, runny nose, blocked everything, the only part of me that feels fine is my throat and even that feels a little tender.
My biggest problem, is that I'm not a big fan of admitting that I'm ill, I like to think that with a little extra sleep and keeping my fluid intakes up, will budge it. But once I have admitted that maybe I'm a little ill, I generally over react, with eating soup, drinking everything and anything that has cold/flu/remedy/medicine on the box/bottle/tub/tube/packet, upping my already vast water intake 10 fold and occasionally eating ice cream to make myself feel better. I try not to see people, as I'd hate to spread it and I generally have to tell everyone I see that I've got a cold and would rather not pass it on (is it not better to warn people and then be able to not get blamed, when they contract it? Plus I work with and know some people who are so health conscience and anal, that they'll run a mile and avoid you, if they witness you sneeze). Plus it also explains why I look like death warmed up and have dried, cracked skin all around my nose.
The one thing that annoys me most is, when everyone else I know has a cold, they have the luxury of loosing their scent of smell. I however do not, I have a pretty good sense of smell normally, so when I have a cold, I can still smell everything and I mean everything. I suppose this isn't a bad thing but when bad smells come on in, I can still smell them, I've never had the joy of saying 'Ha, I can't smell it due to my cold", although I shouldn't complain. About 2 years ago, I complained that I'd never lost my voice and had always had it, since my complaint, I've grown vocal nodes and now loose it, at the smallest quiff of a dry throat or a slight strain from shouting and I've lost a part of my range for good, well at least until/if my nodes ever go!
What's worse is that during this period, I've had a number of friends who have suffered colds and after a good nights sleep, been fine and got on with the world. So what is so defect about me and my immune system? Maybe it's my magnetic personallity that makes the cold/flu/illnesses hang about or my pure charm and wonderfully rose tinted views on the world or maybe it's my impaitence?! One person gave me the sound advice of: 2 cartons of Covent Garden Carrott and Coriander Soup, lots of Orange Juice, loads of sleep and pint after pint of water. Another advise loads of green veg, sleep, water and hot honey and lemon. Maybe I just need to master the art of my personal salvation from cold/flu/illnesses, who knows?!

What fun the seasonal change is, if nothing more it's entertaining.

My heart goes out to those of you with cold/flu/illnesses...keep your fluids up and get your head down for a nice little kip.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

I actually don't really have much to say, I just wanted to name a blog by the above title.

Once again, the only brain sick I truly has involves people who can't park to save their lives. When entering a car park, you should be given two options: Car Park or Car Abandonment.
To enter Car Park, you should have previously passed numerous car parking exercises and been given a gold star and a little certificate to say that your allowed to park there.
For Car Abandonment, you should be allowed in if you never passed the Car Parking Test, or if you passed but have had 3 suits brought against you at the Car Parking Retrieval of Certificate Centre, in which photos were taken of your bad parking and a little trial goes ahead to work out whether you deserve to have the certificate or not. Or if your just a shit parker!
I've had to endure my fair share of car abandonment of late, one being the only space left in the car park, my car being pathetically small in size and therefore being able to squeeze between these two abandoned cars, but only realising once in that I had minus centimetres to exit my vehicle. When returning from work most nights, I am continuously finding spaces that even smart cars would find challenging, now I know that a lot of the spaces on my street are from where the hard earning population leave their homes to fill their bank accounts and then return to find a car has moved all of nowhere and have to park around it, but for some reason, over a week a car won't move (normally a students from where they only ever use them to drive to Oxford to drop all their stuff from Mummy and Daddy's off and then normally home again at the end of term and occasionally to Tesco' to pick up the alcohol stock or to Penelope's for this awesome house party, as her parents are away but for the other 50 million hours a year, it will hardly move), taking up precious space and then you'll get a complete twat you can't park to safe their life who insists of parking 5 foot away from the car in front and then will leave it their for a week....So yes I vote for two styles of parking allotments...plus one side of each street should be this also...depending on what percentage of the street passed the tests and which didn't. I shouldn't be punished because some people are fucking hopeless at manoeuvring a vehicle, they insist of keeping and rarely use, should I? I use mine, a lot...and there for am killing the planet but earning the right for 2 styles of car parks!
Or maybe it should be that everyone has to take parking tests each year, while your cars in for an MOT, we'll also test your parking ability...

Now names and titles will be changed to be more memorable and easy to say, as this is an idea and ideas are the starting block to the future things of marvel!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Mount Everest

I no longer have to visit the Himalayas to see Mount Everest, as it seems that I have it growing on my chin, well at least it saves me time and money!

It's pretty impressive I have to say, although I never realised it was a volcano!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Glossy booklets of joy!

There is nothing nicer than recieving new magazines, whether it's 'Innovations', a random household or clothes catalogue, a trashy mag or a big fat glossy magazine.
I love them, so much. There is nothing nicer than taking some time out and flicking through the crisp new unopened pages, the unseen images and unread words.
So other week when I arrived at work, to find the new Ikea catalogue, I was in heaven! Now there is something especially wonderful about household catalogues, as it's all new and fresh and rephotographed and pretty! And it immediately makes you want to go out and buy everything they sell, they do such an amazing job of selling the dream and making the people in the photos look so realistic that I see myself as the lady shown, showing her orderly drawers of spice and herb pots to my mother-in-law, while the slow roast lamb in my twin fan oven simmers and the large baking tray full of potatoes, rosemary and olive oil glistens and crisps up....ahh the dream i live in is grand but only while looking through the catalogue.
The downside to catalogues is reality, I expect that if shops and companies could, they would remove reality completely, as then we would all buy, buy, buy and never consider that it's not worth it or that it's not the same dream that you were promised. Although knowing that the dream and reality are never the same thing, we still try and try to live the dream and buy the dream and believe that the dream is possible. But what would life be, if we didn't continually try and try to be better and never except that this could just be it. But if you ask me, Ikea and other catalogues do sell the dream extremely well.
I love the fantasy land and dream bubbles...reality has it's place but for now, I'm going to continue to keep an eye on my slow roast lamb and put my spice and herb pots in alphabetical order...and try to keep my mother-in-law as sweet as possible, I mean she is the nicest lady in the world, so it's not that hard, not at all and the kids adore her and my husband, doesn't think that she's always right, although she is.
"So come on Audrey (my dream/bubble mother-in-law's name), let's crack that bottle of red open".

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Structure and Lifestyle

I woke up this morning as I always do, tired, fed up and craving more sleep. Lately my whole schedule has gone out of the window. When I first started having acupunture, my acupunturists made an observation 'It appears to me that your a tourist in your own life, you have no schedule or pattern, there is no balance or regularity. When are you returning from your holiday to a healthy life style?", to which I quite frankly just looked puzzled and kept myself in a state of stunned silence.
Now I've always thought that I had a rather dull, uninteresting, regular life style, where it's all pretty structure and routine but apparently not, apparently answering 'well it depends on the day, where I am and who I'm with', isn't acceptable. So I set about trying to get some structure, the only thing I could really change was my sleep pattern, so I tried most nights to be asleep by midnight and failing that definiately by one. The problem being that I'm such a night owl, I can happily stay up for two days straight and would only start to get tired towards the end of the second night. My body clock become alerts at around 8-9pm, all of a sudden, I can think clearly and get these grand spurts of energy, I could run a marathon but only if it was held at 9pm onwards. I've always been this way but since I started working at the night club, it really came in to it's own. I'm hoping that now I've left, I may settle in to a more normal pattern but I know that it's a futile, pointless thing to hope for, I've always been this way.
So once again, I'm going to structure my sleep pattern and be in bed by 12, if nothing more...although for the last 3 nights I've said this and for the last 3 nights, I've ended up watching films, talking to my housemates or chatting on msn with people. Damn that temptation, it's just all to appealing!

Other than my lack of sleep and inability to structure my life, all is pretty well at the mo. Except I currently have 'Pop is dead' By Radiohead stuck in my head, I just want to scream and scream and I haven't even heard it, I just happened to spot it on my iTunes earlier and ever since have been singing away in my head...and the worse thing is I keep on seeing Thom Yorke popping out of the coffin, god the video is atrocious, if you've seen it, your lucky, due to it being locked away in the vaults somewhere and it's a rare sighting, like witnessing a baby deer run for the first time (unless your a hunter and then it's grab your gun time, although to be fair, a baby deer is a bit of an easy target and if your a skilled huntsman, surely your should go for a harder target, although they are smaller than most a stag, so slightly harder to hit, oohhh anyway, as I was saying?!) and unlucky, due to it being so dyer.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

My First, My Last, My Everything

I'm tired and really need to sleep, I've been looking so forward to sleep for so long, that I now find that I can't sleep...plus I'm starving, I've only had my lunch (which was 3 courses) to eat all day...grumble grumble goes my belly.